Holiday Blues

Holidays have always been special to me, especially Christmas. Our family had all kinds of traditions at Christmastime. We typically went to church on Christmas Eve, came home to a spread of snacks, read the Christmas story around the tree, opened one present (always pajamas), and had our birthday party for Jesus.

I admit that things had begun to shift over the years as the faith of our family members took on different looks, but I still clung to as much tradition as I could. That was true at least until the Christmas after Roy died on October 30, 2023. While I was mostly numb, I decorated as I always had and expected Christmas to mostly look like it had every other year.

That didn’t happen. My daughter, who was deeply grieving for her daddy, had different ideas. She just couldn’t honor the old traditions, acting as if nothing had happened. I needed stability. She needed change. We negotiated that year, much to my chagrin. It hurt that we were not doing many of the same things, but I had to make space for what worked for her grief process, too.

Grief brings a myriad of challenges when holidays come around and it sneaks up on us at the most unexpected times. It might happen when we hear our loved one’s favorite holiday song or it could be just seeing the empty chair at the dinner table on Christmas Day.

If this is your first (or tenth) holiday season without your loved one, expect to experience a range of emotions and give yourself grace for whatever comes up.

• Acknowledge that the holidays will be different. However, gratitude and grief can coexist. Don't feel guilty if you find joy in the holidays.

• You might need to throw tradition out the window and come up with a plan that will be what you need this year. Make sure it includes ways to minimize anxiety and celebrate the loss.

• Do something your loved one enjoyed doing.

• Donate something in your loved one’s honor.

• Plan an exit strategy. If you’re going to somebody else’s home, figure out ahead of time how to leave if things feel too tough. Let the host know ahead of time you may have to slip out early.

• Consider volunteering. Helping somebody else is a great way to connect with others and find meaning during a time when you’re quite likely feeling isolated.

• Be proactive about what helps and what doesn’t. For example, consider:

  • Are there some traditions you'd rather not do? Some may just be too painful. It may make sense to try something new.

  • Do you want to celebrate in the same place? For instance, it might be better to travel this season instead of staying home.

  • Who are the people you want to be around? Enjoy their company when they invite you for a visit.

  • Can you handle an all-day celebration? Be flexible with yourself and let the host know you may only stay for a short while.

Whatever you need this holiday season, give yourself and other members of your family permission to honor the holidays in a way that works for you.